Tuesday, 22 November 2011

Can't Dodge: Swearing at a bastard

For this “Can’t Dodge” I have decided to write about an indie game! One that’s free! Yes, it’s free! And I’m shit at it!

OK, so, there are two types of games I won’t be writing about in Can’t Dodge much; RPG’s and stealth games. Only because I’m actually quite good at them. I think it’s because there’s a lot of standing around and thinking. No sudden moves, you know?
But I am so fucking bad at side scrolling platformers. My archenemy! I can’t stop falling off things and running into other things and being fucking shot in the face AND WHERE ARE THE FUCKING MUSHROOMS AND FUCKING RINGS WHEN YOU FUCKI-

So, what do you get when you cross a game genre I’m awesome at and one I’m awfully bad at? The answer: A lot of shouting.

And stealth Bastard must have heard me say every swear word in the English language, and some new ones, too.

So you’ve got the usual elements, run, die, run, die some more, run jump and die, and so on. But you also need to stay in the shadows, making sure you’re not spotted by cameras and robots (fucking robots!). The cameras aren’t so much of a bother but the robots will shoot you on site. And these shots blow you up. Boom! Blood and guts everywhere!

Let me tell you about one level in particular. Level four. Yeah, that’s right I’m stuck on level four. Fuck you.

So I jump down from a ledge. Bang, robot shoots me.

I jump down as he turns and run for the shadows. Bang, robots walks into me.

I jump onto the ledge I couldn’t help but miss and jump down behind the ‘bot to hack the keypad. I then panic because I have no idea how I’m gonna get past the robot.

Rinse and repeat until I figure out that you need to jump back onto the ledge. I’ve never felt so stupid. That’s a lie, I’ve acted pretty stupid in my life and I will continue to do so for many years to come.

But, getting passed that, I got to a point where I had to hack a keypad to start an elevator. Alright! Here we go, movin’ on up!

It crushed me because I was a little too close. That’s the point where I said “Fuck this, I’m leaving.”

Fun game, though.


  1. Can I get a link to this game? Man, I'm good in stealth games too... until it turns into 20 people attacking me! That's what happens in Assassin's Cree: Brotherhood. 20 people attack you and you can't lose one bit of health if you want to do good.